


Over-Under on the Guidance Counselor

by Esyla



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, They are the teachers, guidance counselor!stiles, math teacher!derek, the author might be crazy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-10-04
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:43:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/Esyla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is the new Guidance Counselor and it seems like the entire school is in on a joke that no one will tell him about. A bet that has something to do with super hot math teacher Derek Hale who seems to be shirtless more often than not and throws calculus text books at Stiles. </p><p>Written for Shutupbolinski(zimothy). this has no direction at the moment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Not Your Guidance Counselor

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tylerfucklin (Zimothy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zimothy/gifts).



“Stiles?” A voice called from outside the safe place. 

“Yes?” 

“Is there a reason your lights are off and you are under the table two hours into your first day as guidance counselor?” Debbie asked from the doorway. 

“I’m having a crisis.” Stiles calmly explained from beneath his desk.

“Oh, is that so? So you have seen the tricky kids already have you?” She sounded like she wanted to laugh, he knew those cookies had been a ruse. Kind elderly office worker his ass, she was evil. This was her doing.

“No…” 

“Mr. Hale threw a calculus text book at you, did he?” Debbie made it sound like this was normal. Perfectly normal for the math teach to assault the new guidance counselor on his first day. 

“Maybe.” Stiles mumbled.

“I told you not to bother him when he is watching the tapes from the baseball games.” Debbie tusked. Crafty old lady.

“I was not expecting to have shirtless men throw calculus text books at me for attempting to introduce myself and ask for directions.” Stiles does not have wounded pride, he is an adult now, with an adult job; telling kids what they should do with their lives….oh god! 

“I will give you another twenty minutes for your gay crisis and then I am sending in the first kid.” Debbie turnes to leave. 

“I don’t think I like you!” Stiles yelled after his new asistant. 

“Twenty minutes!”

————————————————-

“What did you do to the text book?” Lydia snapped as she came into his classroom.

“I threw it.” Derek supplied. 

“Yes, I can see that. The question is why?” Lydia raised an eyebrow. Derek held his silence. Lydia squinted at him for a moment, then reached into her purse and pulled out a twenty before turning to leave. “The english department is going to make a killing on this over under.”

“What over under?” Derek asked. The english department was not to be trusted, they were a bunch of drunks that spent most of their time betting on school gossip. 

“You screwing  _your_  new guidance counselor.” Lydia supplied.

“He is not  _my_  guidance counselor.” Derek glared at her, but Lydia looked smug suddenly.

“Well I hope not, I mean unless you have some deeply repressed manpain you need to work out.” The man in question said as he appeared in the door. Stiles winked at Derek and he had to suppress the urge to throw the text book again. 

“Oh Hale, this is going to be better than that time Finstock got stuck on the catwalk in the auditorium.”Lydia said with a laugh as she left. Derek did not notice the blush on Stiles’ cheeks. He did not. He had algebra to teach in five minutes, he would control his brain. And his pants. 

The Inspiration [x](http://tylerfucklin.tumblr.com/post/30317581261)


	2. Not Your Faculty BBQ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BBQ at the end of the first week.

“I worry about the history department.” Stiles says over his beer, watching said department huddle around the snack table. 

“You know I always thought the sports coaches were supposed to teach social studies. But Boyd is kind of a creepy physics teacher.” Scott manages around his burger. They are hiding. Well not really. But yes. They are hiding from the touch football game that said physics teacher is attempting to start. 

“Have you seen our defensive line?” Stiles whispers.

“I have never been more scared of freshman than I have since Boyd became football coach.” Scott agrees. “But you shouldn’t worry.”

 

“Why not?” Stiles asks. Scott just kind of smirks like there is something really funny that only he knows. 

“Because Lydia would kill anyone for ruining her odds.” Scott says evily.

“Yeah, about that. When do I get to be part of the in crowd and find out what this over-under thing is about?” Stiles finished his beer before hiding it in their bush. No good alerting the english department where they were. “I mean I know it has something to do with Mr. Growly McGlassesArms but what exactly is the bet about.”

“McGlassessArms?” Came the gruff voice from behind Stiles.

“Hey Derek.” Scott grinned.

“What about my glasses?” Derek asked Stiles completely ignoring Scott. 

“Nothing. They are great. Really nice and large with thick black rims. Just right for your face to perfectly set off the Transformers you call arms.” Stiles babbled. He blamed the four beers and whatever that pink thing Debbie gave him when he arrived. 

“Good. You are on shirts.” Derek explains pointing at Stiles. “You skins.” Derek points at Scott and walks away. 

“No! I don’t want to see half of these people shirtless!” Stiles bursts out.

“That means you wouldn’t mind seeing half of them naked.” Scott supplies. 

“How do you teach nutrition and not understand fractions?” Stiles mumbles as he follows Scott to the large area where the game is about to get underway.

“You are just cranky because now Derek has to take his glasses off.” Scott slapped him on the back and pulled off his shirt.

“What, why, what, why would you say that?” Stiles asked glancing at the skins side where Derek Hale math teacher extorinare and head baseball coach was taking off his shirt. There should be a law that he is required to be shirtless at all times, Stiles decides, for the sanity of the human race.

“Because you have a glasses fetish.” Scott winked at Stiles who stands there gob smacked. 

Well Damn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what i am doing with this.


	3. Not Your Touch Football

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get dirty and sweaty and shirtless.

“Who exactly are you trying to impress here?” Peter asks with a smile. This barbecue is never a good thing. Every year something awful happens and then the English department starts a massage line that gets really close to sexual harassment. ”Because I think I just saw someone faint.”

Derek glares at his uncle. The infuriating man who is also his boss. It’s some kind of sick world were Derek has to report to Peter on a daily basis. Granted Peter got him the job two years ago, but the point is that Peter is evil. And wearing loafers, to a cook out and touch football game. 

And the source of the over-under. Because Peter knows the thing that Derek thought no one knew, the bastard. Derek had deleted Peter from his speed dial about the time he got the job, sadly he had kept Laura on there. So the night of ‘the thing’ when Derek called Laura wanting to know what the fuck just happened, Peter picked up. 

It’s like the man lives to torment others. Actually. That might be completely accurate. Derek wouldn’t put it past Peter. 

“I am not trying to impress anyone.” Derek grits out as he goes to tug off his shirt for the game. He lays his glasses on top of the shirt and turns back to his uncle, who has now been joined by Boyd.

“Says the man wearing the tighest shirt he owns.” Peter winks. Derek looks down at his shirt, it was laundry day of course he was down to the shirts from college. 

“Dude did you get your chest waxed?” Boyd asks looking horrified. 

“He does that every summer.” Peter supplies. Clearly Derek is not needed for this conversation and decides to think about something calming, like AP lesson plans. 

“Um, why?” Boyd is on shirts so he and Peter get to remain fully clothed. Derek is beginning to think Lydia had something to do with the team split up. 

“I assume so that maidens will faint at the sight of him.” Peter giggles. Derek frowns. Peter cackles. Derek glares, mostly because he can’t really see right now and walks off to the rest of the team.

“Wait, come back! We need to oil you down first!” Boyd yells. 

“I know where you live.” Derek threatens at his now laughing friend, just for that Derek is going to sign up for the weight room for two weeks in a row. The football players will just have to do their weight training out in the sun. The laughter did not stop, it only got stronger. 

* * *

 

“I feel violated.” Stiles told the ground. The vice principal of doom laughed next to him, from above him rather. Because Stiles was currently making out with the dirt.

“I told you to run away from Finstock.” Peter is way too happy of a man to have the job he has. 

“I’m sorry I was blinded by the sun reflecting off the vampire chest of his.” Stiles brushed the grass out of his hair, he knew letting it grow out was going to come back to bit him. But seriously, Finstock, might actually be a creature of the night. People cannot be that pale and continue to exist. “Also I thought this was touch, not tackle.” 

“Sorry Dude!” Scott yelled from his side of the field. 

“You didn’t have to rupture my spleen, I was no where near the ball!” Stiles tried to inform his friend, without getting distracted by some of the members of the the skin’s team. 

“Why don’t we try to fix that?” Peter asked and then went to talk to Boyd. Stiles really should feel more secure with his team, he had the vice principal and the head football coach. But still, the other side had a hell of a lot of idiots (Read Scott and Finstock).

“Next play we are going to throw to you.” Boyd tells Stiles in a hushed whisper after a moment of conversing with Peter. 

“I don’t like this plan. You know I played Lacrosse right? I know next to nothing about football.” Stiles begs as Boyd literally drags him over to a section of grass and deposits him there. 

“You’re adorable.” Boyd pats his head and leaves him there. 

“This is a hostile work environment.” Stiles mumbles only um the play is starting and he needs to start running. So run he does. Stiles barely remembers to turn and grab at the football, and hey he totally just caught it…..

Stiles is knocked to the ground by a freight train disguised as a teacher. 

“What do you eat? The blood of your enemies?” Stiles asks from under Derek Hale. A shirtless Derek Hale. A sweaty, very close Derek Hale. If Stiles had his computer he would put the ‘there go my pants’ gif up right about now. 

It’s not that Stiles is overly into dudes or something. Stiles is into everyone, everyone but Debbie because eww. But the point is if they are not old or family or so stupid they might as well be a brick Stiles is kind of game. And yes he is well aware of his own personal kinks, he did the psych work up on himself enough times to know that he is in trouble with this one. Because Derek shirtless sweaty fucking Hale is pretty much every button in Stiles ‘Press for Horny’ box. 

And the killer is that Stiles has to behave. Has been given an executive order from the vice principal of doom that he can’t try to boink or woo any other staff members. They had a scandal two years ago and now everyone is under a no fraternization clause until the school board figures shit out. And it sucks. Stiles is getting cockblocked by elected officials. 

“Sorry.” Derek says lifting himself off Stiles.  _Why?_  Stiles’ brain shouts.  _Come back large warm thing!_ “I am not wearing the right shoes for this.” 

“Yeah I guess you are used to cleats for your activities.” Stiles does not pout, because he is currently having the best view ever. Stiles in the past has made mean comments about people who are into health and working out to the point of perfection, he takes them back. Every last one. 

“Here.” Derek reaches down and pulls Stiles up. They stand flush together for a moment and Stiles feels his entire body go red. 

“Thanks.” Stiles coughs and steps back. Peter is waving for him to return to his side of the field so he turns to leave, thankful that he is on shirts because Stiles tends to full body blush. 

* * *

 

So Derek might have been lying to himself if he thought he could push ‘the thing’ out of his mind. Especially when the idiot involved doesn’t seem to remember. How the fuck doesn’t he remember? 

Additionally why is Derek slowly pinning over a guy who can’t seem to fucking remember the first time they met? No, pinning is the wrong word. Because that would of course imply that he wanted something from Stiles. Which he doesn’t, other than for him to remember the night, a month ago. He should have thrown the AP text book at his head, maybe a head injury would have fixed this weird memory loss. 

So what if Stiles didn’t seem to remember Derek from the night of ‘the thing’? Derek could deal with it. He would just ignore the idiot until he got over this funk. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where this is freaking going. Things are just coming out of my brain. some one mentioned the idea of derek never having really done it with a guy and my brain was like "we can work with that"
> 
> also who is now dying to know what "THE THING" is? all of you. good. you shall find out....eventually. i think.
> 
> p.s. don't forget to vote for Sterek in the afterelton poll. we get back in the lead and i write a longer chapter.


	4. Not Your Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura his not a helpful sister, Derek has a gay crisis and we finally learn what The Thing is.

"If you are going to bring your manpain into my kitchen at least have the decency not to hog the entire island." Laura wacks Derek with a large wooden spoon. He glares at his sister and slides from his seat on said island counter. 

It's fall break and Derek is holed up at his sister's house for the weekend. Mostly because his house is getting some work done. The stupid water heater burst and Derek now has no basement or hot water until the plumber can get him a new tank. 

"You have been watching too many kid shows." Derek grumbles at her. His sister now talks like a child most of the time. Blame her children. 

"Correction, I don't watch enough." Laura goes back to mixing the brownie mix. "If I don't keep up on the lingo how am I to stay the hip mom?"

"You sound like Stiles." Derek groans. Because he just shouldn't have said anything to begin with. 

"Is Stiles the one you are having a crisis over?" Laura asks looking up from the mix. 

"Yes!" Came a thin girlish shout from the living room. 

"Betrayed by my own niece." Derek sighs and goes back to stabbing at spoon at the mix. Laura smacks him again, but he has already gotten the brownie mix so he ignores her. 

"Courtney is just invested in being a flower girl. All of her friends got to do it for their aunts and uncles. She is getting tired of waiting for you to get hitched." Laura moves to turn on the oven and ignores the completely dumbfounded look on Derek's face.

"I am not getting married." He states.

"Yes we know. We all know. You shall be a forever bachelor, because your one true love is math and you can't legally marry math. Otherwise you would have at this point. Because math doesn't have emotions or the ability to fight back so you two are a perfect pair." Laura even lowers her voice attempting to imitate him during her little speech. 

"There is nothing wrong with my life." Derek pointed out. It wasn't perfect but it was better than lots of people. He owned his own home, water tank not withstanding. He mostly liked his job, except for algebra 1 the kids were always so rowdy. He liked coaching the baseball team, even if the boys had taken to calling him Master and asking for breaks in broken southern accents. 

"You will have to take that up with Court." Laura smiles. "She is the main one objecting to the lack of flower girl ness and cousins. Apparently Sammy is not sufficient to keep her entertained." 

"That's your fault for spacing them out." Derek is serious. Courtney uses her little brother like a doll. 

"You say childhood truama, I say built in baby sitting." Laura shrugged.

"He has nail polish and lipstick on today." Derek could hear the deadpan in his own voice. 

"Well then you can be his gay yoda." Derek had to really contimplate strangling his sister.

"I'm not gay." Derek stated the fact that they had been dancing around all morning. 

"Yes. You only had a really hot dry hump session with a guy who you now work with." Laura frowns and nodds. "Nothing about that screams man sex."

"I had been drinking." Derek countered.

"So had most of the western coast line. Doesn't mean they all ended the night in a ratty Jeep with a mess in their pants." Derek gave his sister the look that he used to give her before he blew up her toys. "Peter recorded your freak out. I listen to it when Sammy gets fussy." 

"I hate this family." Derek growled. 

"You just need a blow job." Laura patted and rubbed his back. "Or take one up the ass."

"How are you a mother of two?" Derek wondered into his hands.

"Astounding isn't it?" Laura laughed at his pain. She always laughed at his pain. He never should have called her that night. 

* * *

_Two months ago, the night of The Thing_

_  
_Derek and Boyd had just finished their summer months of training. The kids had a month off and so did they. Which translated into beer, a lot of beer. They started the night at the microbrewery that did some really awesome fish tacos.

It was some time after the fifth IPA and the third Belgian that Boyd suggested they go to another place he knew that had some good seasonal on tap. Derek was game so they headed out and ended up in a kind of seedy place that Derek had never been to before. Perhaps seedy wasn't the right word, just not as sterile as Derek normal preferred. The bartenders all had tattoos and a third of them were shirtless. 

Derek was sitting at the bar while Boyd tried to find a table when Derek met him. The boy slid onto the stool next to him and ordered something Derek had never heard of but when the beer appeared Derek thought it had one of the nicest colors he had seen in a while. 

"You want to try?" The boy offered. 

"If you don't mind." Derek took a sip and was almost hit in the face with the tast of honey. "Oh god it's like drinking a beehive." He sputtered.

"I know right. It's a Honey Mead. Rocking it viking style." The boy smiled at him and Derek wonder how old the kid was because he barely looked twenty one. "Oh my god!" The kid blurted out suddenly. "Your eyes are all the colors of the wind!"

"Thanks?" Derek said hesitantly. He only wore his contacts a few times a week and he always wore them for nights out with Boyd. He tended to lose his glasses to hipster that thought they looked cool after beer twenty or so. The boy reached up and braced his hands on either side of Derek's face.

"No seriously. You have like the prettiest eyes I have ever seen." It was in that moment that Derek realized just how close the boy was and that there was something odd going on here. 

"I have never really given it much thought." Derek gave a little shrug and tried to back away, only the boy had a pretty good hold on his face. 

"I'm sorry I can't hear your humble over the sound of your eyebrows. God. I hate you." The boy said, only he was smiling. And really close. Close enough that Derek could taste the honey from the beer on his breathe. "Are you a werewolf?" The boy asked.

"No." Derek was really out of his depth on this one. He had never been so complimented, at least he is pretty sure these are compliments, by a guy in such a odd was. Or by a guy. Really ever. Outside of comments about his pitching form. 

"Seriously though you look like you stepped off the set of Buffy." The boy joked.

"I always saw myself as more of Giles." Derek offered. It was clearly the right thing to say because the boy's face lit up. 

It was maybe two hours before Derek even thought about looking for Boyd. And when it did occur to him he already had a text from Boyd saying he had called a cab to go home. So Derek stayed and talked movies and sports with the boy. They talked beers for a while and actually got kind of heated at one point because Derek was a big fan of Dog Fish and the boy had never had any. So of course they ordered all the Dog Fish beers at the bar. 

Things blur a bit after that part. But Derek does remember being behind the bar leaning against a battered Jeep that belonged to the boy talking about... something. He had been thinking about needing to call a cab, when the boy had leaned forward and kissed him. 

Derek had been good and truly stunned for a moment. But it was a good kiss. Like really good. Just the right amount of pressure with lips slightly parted. The boy rocked back and whatever was on Derek's face must have been good because he smiled and came back for another kiss, this one with tongue. 

It had been a long time since Derek had kissed anyone, but this was perhaps one of the better kisses he had ever had. And it was the only time he had ever kiss another man. But it was good. And hot. And there were deft hands in his hair. Derek's hands were gripped on frim pecks and there was some frictions going on in the region of his jeans. 

"I am going to fucking destroy you." The boy whispered as he pushed Derek into the back seat of the Jeep and climbed on top of him. "And if you are a really good boy next time I will let you destroy me." 

Derek's shirt was off and the boy was making love to his nipples by the time he got his bearings. Never before had he been aware that his nipples were that sensitive or that having a friction against his erection could feel so good.

"You taste like pretzels at a ball park." The boy moaned. "God that's salty good." He bit at Derek's nipples. 

Also when had firm wiry muscles felt like the best thing ever under his hands?

The boy came back for more kisses and he tasted like honey and salt. The car steamed up around them and Derek lost some of his ability to function beyond the meeting of mouths and thrust of hips. He shouldn't have gotten to the edge so quickly with that much alcohol in his system but it felt like only minutes before he felt the grip in his groin. The thing was the boy didn't seem that far off either. His semi constant stream of dirty talk had broken into babble and was now just hissing noises. 

"Fuck me." The boy groaned before rubbing himself at a frantic pace against Derek. When Derek came second later he bit into the boy's shoulder as he shouted. 

There was a beat of silence as they both just sort of breathed. 

"Damnit Pocahontas, we didn't even get to blowies." The boy huffed. And the got up and left. Just crawled backwards out of the car, put his jacket back on and headed back into the bar. 

Derek sat there for a while, in a strangers car, trying to get sober enough to figure what the hell had just happened. He managed to call a cab service. Enter said cab. Pay said cab. And unlock his front door before he freaked out and called Laura. Only Peter answered. But Derek was a little too drunk and confused to notice until he had already spilled and by then it was too late.

* * *

_One month twenty nine days ago_

"What the fuck did we do last night?" Stiles groaned on the floor.

"I have no idea. There was tequila in the first hour." Scott groaned, from the kitchen floor.

"Why am I sticky?" Stiles asked looking down at the stain on his pants.

"I think you might have raped a guy in your car last night." Scott mumbles, there is a bang and then Scott curses at a drawer for being in his way. 

"Did you catch a name of my victim?" Stiles really did try not to do the whole grope and run but tequila had happened. 

"Something about Pocahontas and the colors of the wind." Scott offered as he crawled towards the coffee maker. 

"So, no idea." 

"None."

* * *

_One month ago_

_  
_"Oh have you seen the new guidance counselor they hired?" Lydia asked Derek the morning of the first day of school.

"No why?" Derek asked.

"I thought you might know him." She shrugged and then turned to his window. "Oh look there is Stiles now." Lydia pointed out to the parking lot where a young looking man got out of a battered jeep. 

Fuck Everything. Derek thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Laura and Derek are pretty much my brother and I. I just was like "how would i talk to him" and then wrote that. Only I don't have kids. But I will be that kind of mom. 
> 
> My boyfriend is really into beer. Like really into beer. He is friends with the Brewmaster at the high end grocery store near us. He goes to the grocery store to hang out and talk about beers and sample beers. We go to resturants just for their beer selections. He isn't a drunk. He just really likes his microbrews and small breweries. And he is very pragmatic and into science. And when I started thing about this AU Derek I realized he might be from the same kind of crowd as my boyfriend because he knows some math teachers. So yeah. 
> 
> Lauras kids named in honor of my friend Courtney for now officially shipping Sterek. And Sam from supernatural to show that I will still love them even after we crush them in the poll. Just saying.


	5. Not Your Pay Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Halloween when math teachers get a little slutty.

Derek makes it all the way to halloween. They are going to have a staff party after school on friday at Peter’s large and creepy house. Derek hates going there but he is under strict orders from the team to go have fun before he tries to murder them with his angst.   
  
**Before:**  
  
“Who ever gave you those hickeys over the summer, find them. And then spend the weekend with them. Physical abuse is not training.” Matt says holding up his hands in surrender.  
  
“I have not been abusing you.” Derek counters. Sure they might have had more practices than strictly needed.  
  
“You hit Isaac with two balls yesterday.” Danny supplied solemnly.   
  
“Yeah, but...” Derek began.  
  
“In the head. In the head coach.” Danny glared. Derek had mutiny on his hands.  
  
“I said I was fine.” Isaac offered from the bench, where he still had an icepack.   
  
“If you don’t get laid soon we will take matters into our own hands.” Insists Damon.   
  
“Fine.” Derek huffs. 

* * *

  
The truth of the matter is he has been making some headway. Ha! Head. No focus. Stiles has been trying to focus, and not you know spend half of his day daydreaming about math teachers. Because really if he can’t get into Derek’s pants he might try and give Lydia a go. But she terrifies him, more so than Derek.  
  
‘Note to self find out why terror and horny seem to go together.’ Stile scribbles in his planner.   
  
“You are ignoring me aren’t you?” Isaac Lahey says from across the desk.   
  
“More like waiting for you to get to the point.” There is a point. Stiles is sure of the point. He has no idea what the point is. Stiles simply know that Isaac has been stalling for most of his appointment.  
  
“Do you always ignore the kids?” He counters.   
  
“Do you always have a lump on your head and a black eye?” Stiles asked the boy.  
  
“Only when Coach is sexually frustrated.” Isaac countered with a smile. That faded the second he realized what he had said.  
  
“Say what?” Stiles was now giving the boy his undivided attention.  
  
“Nothing. Just you know Coach had some kind of thing over the summer because he came to practice like covered in hickeys but ever since then he has been extra grumpy, which is some kind of cosmic new level of grumpy.” Isaac mumbles.   
  
“I am going to help.” Stiles announces. Isaac looks like some one has just shot a puppy. But Stiles ignores him. “We are going to get Mr. Grumpy McGlassesArms laid if it’s the last thing the baseball team ever does.”  
  
“How did you get this job exactly?” Isaac asks while scooting his chair away from Stiles. 

* * *

  
**Halloween Day:**  
  
“How about... no.” Derek says to the awful excuse for a costumes his sister is holding up.   
  
“But I spent days, days Derek! Looking for this. And I even got a bunch of body paint to go with it.” Laura waves the garment at him in a frantic manner.  
  
“It’s racist and culturally offensive.” Derek counters to his sister’s mid hysterics.   
  
“You don’t want to be Pocahontas Uncle Derek?” Courtney asks with big bambi eyes. Derek glares at Laura, she has been corrupting his niece.  
  
“You say corrupting, I say training. Put the loin cloth on so we may paint you!” Laura giggled. And then tugged off his shirt.  
  
“I am going to be written up for this. I will be suspended and never allowed to teach ever ever again because my insane sister covered me in body paint.” Derek paused. “Body paint that smells like chocolate.”  
  
“It’s the best kind. You won’t get itchy.” Laura explained.  
  
“We also have honey!” Courtney explained holding up a rather large jar of unprocessed honey with a paint brush sticking out. “We are going to get you laid!” The small girl yelled.   
  
Derek took a moment to slam his head against the nearest wall.

* * *

  
“I am not a fan of this plan.” Scott grumbled.  
  
“Too bad. I am the mastermind and you are my tiny sidekick.” Stiles smile from his corner of the room. It was a perfect plan. Stiles had blackmailed Scott into inviting half of the nursing students from college. Scott always got along with nursing students. So now there was a plethora of half naked ladies at the party. Ladies who all seemed to want on Scott’s joy stick.   
  
Granted the goal was to get Derek Hale laid. And after careful research Stiles was positive he had acquired at least one of Derek’s taste preferences at the party. The ladies were rather fine. Stiles was even considering a rather terrifying red head until Lydia punched him and said he did not get to sleep with less hot version of her for giggles.   
  
“Who are you, anyway?” Scott asked Stiles.  
  
“Captain Jack Harkness.” Stiles said with a smile slicking back his hair. Scott did not look amused.  
  
“You did that on purpose.”   
  
“We are attempting to get someone laid. And I swing in all directions. Of course I did this on purpose.” Stiles rolled his eyes. “Now to go find the man of the hour.”  
  
“Please attempt to not sleep with everyone just to stay in character, like sophomore year.” Scott yelled.  
  
“Sophomore year was not that bad.” Stiles countered.  
  
“It really was.” Scott grimaced. 

* * *

  
“I am about to make a thousand bucks.” Lydia said with a smile as she pushed Stiles into Derek as the drink table. 

* * *

  
“No, no, no, no, no.” Stiles exclaimed as a frothy mixture spills all over his very hard to find coat.  
  
“Here, the laundry room is this way.” Derek motioned towards the back of the house. And Stiles clutchign his very damp coat followed.  
  
“Okay while I try to strive off the panic with this getting stained I have got to ask what exactly are you?” Stiles asked once they were tucked in the laundry room.   
  
Derek mumbled something.   
  
“I’m sorry what was that?” Stiles asked creeping closer as Derek shoved his coat into the washing machine.   
  
“Pocahontas.” Derek growled.  
  
“Seriously?” Stiles barked. He braced his arm against Derek’s shoulder as he shuddered with laughter.   
  
“It was my niece’s idea.”   
  
“I like this girl. I might even adopt her and spoil her rotten for putting you in a loin cloth and painting you with, is that honey?” Stiles asked pulling his hand away to find it covered in the sticky substance. 

* * *

  
Derek was too drunk for this. He blamed Peter and Lydia. Never again. Never ever again. Never ever ever getting back together.... god damnit! He was losing his shit.  
  
Which was the exact moment Stiles looking kind of old world pin up hot bumped into him and they spilled their mutually ridiculous drinks all over his coat.   
  
So Derek took Stiles to the laundry room where they could clean his coat.   
  
Only Stiles was really close, and smelled all kinds of amazing.  
  
And DEREK WAS NOT GAY.   
  
Nope.

  
No  
  
Not happening.  
  
“It is honey!” Stiles giggled. And then the idiot had to sink them both. Because he licked his hand. While making eye contact. There was porn duller than that moment. Derek had watched it. Recently. Since apparently he now got boners for dudes. Especially dudes with warm brown eyes and freckles.   
  
“Stop that.” Derek tried to put anger in his voice, but it only came out as heat. When did his voice get that deep.   
  
“What, Pocahontas are we going to taste all the colors of the wind?” Stiles grins with a devilish look. And then his face gets kind of scrunched up and he pulls at Derek’s head so that they are eye to eye. “Oh shit.” Stiles backpedaled into the closed laundry room door. “You!”  
  
“You have got to be kidding me.” Derek groans. “Now you remember? Do you suffer from selective drunk memory?”   
  
“Yeah, yeah I do. When I blackout!” Stiles half shouted.  
  
“You were black out drunk when you assaulted me?” Derek roared.  
  
“No I was blackout drunk when we dry humped.” Stiles was taking this way too well. Like happy well. Oh fuck everything. “That’s it. That’s what this has all be about.” Stiles smiled broader.  
  
“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Derek fiddled with the dials on the washing machine and tried really hard to ignore the man next to him.   
  
“Yes. Yes you do.” If a human being had ever looked anything like the Chesire Cat it was probably in this moment. Stiles looked like his smile might light up in the darkness.   
  
“No.” He snapped back.  
  
“This is the bet. This is why everyone is all over me to talk to you or not talk to you. Because somehow they found out about me taking away your gay card in the back of my jeep.” Then Stiles looked shocked. “OH MY GOD! Who did you tell? How do they all know?”   
  
Derek rolled his eyes. This was the weirdest conversation of his life.  
  
“I drunk dialed my sister, who was visiting my uncle.” Derek grumbled. Stiles had backed away and for some reason that bothered Derek. He had kind of liked having Stiles next to him.  
  
“PETER!” Stiles screeched. Screeched. Derek had until this moment not been aware humans could make that noise.   
  
“Yeah.” Derek said slowly like he was dealing with a startled wild animal. Which was accurate.  
  
“I am going to lose my job.” Stiles’ eyes bugged out.  
  
“Not likely. He put four hundred down that we would....” Derek struggled with the word here, “finish what we started by the end of the semester.”  
  
Stiles sort of stood there gasping like a fish. And just kept doing it. And doing it. Then added intense blinking to the mix. Derek might have broken Stiles. He is now kind of convinced that he might have because he has never seen Stiles this still.  
  
“Stiles?”  
  
“Loading...” Stiles says slowly. Well that clinches it. But the thing was, they were here. In this tiny room. Together. And months of Derek having some weird fantasies about the man in front of him. More than some if he was being honest. It was getting to be a problem.   
  
“Damnit.” Derek growled and then did the thing he had been thinking about doing since he crawled out of that jeep months ago. He kissed Stiles. 

* * *

  
So this was a thing that was happening. Stiles would like to mark the occasion on his calendar because he had not in all of his weird day dreams though that in any universe he would be in a laundry room making out with a half naked Derek Hale.  
  
There is a god, and he likes Stiles.   
  
Also he remembers this. He remembers the scrape of stubble. The feel of muscle under his hands. It feels really good too. Until Stiles ends up completely sticky.  
  
“What are you covered in.” He gasps while working his way to Derek’s neck, some place Stiles has been fixated on. Really some one should get around to sculpting Derek when Stiles is done mapping him out with his mouth.  
  
“Some kind of body paint.” Derek moaned when Stiles found the spot behind his ear.  
  
“Chocolate flavored?” Stiles asked with a long swiped of tongue.  
  
“I have no ideeeaaaaa.” Derek apperently was a fan of nipple play, which happened to be covered in all kind of paint. “Laura did it.”  
  
“I am going to buy your sister a pony” Stiles hummed and pulled at Derek’s hips. “After I get down to what you were promised last time.” And then he went for the loin cloth.

* * *

  
Lydia opened the laundry room door expecting to search for a tide stick. Instead she encountered Derek Hale spread across the ironing board with Stiles behind him going at a rather impressive tempo. Derek had also lost every ounce of body paint some time between when that drink got spilled forty minutes ago and now.   
  
There was a lot of moaning. Also a rather impressive amount of hickeys on both parties. And Stiles still had his shirt and suspenders on somehow.   
  
It seemed like things were getting pretty close, until the door opened of course and they kind of paused and looked at her like they were caught doing something, which they were, but it wasn’t bad. Oh to have a video camera. Lydia was going to do things with this mental image at a later date.  
  
“Proceed.” Lydia waved her hand like the fucking queen she was and closed the door. She waited to hear the two bicker for a moment. Something about Derek wanting to stop until Stiles did something that sounded a bit like it might have involved his mouth and then the moaning was back.    
  
Club soda would have to do. Also Peter had to pay up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont even know any more. hope you like it. i feel like i lost my sanity every time i started writing.

**Author's Note:**

> What has been on tumblr so far...


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